After a beautiful walk at very warm dawn with my fabulous furry friend, a shower, and makeup that went on exactly right, the day immediately went here:
“Hard time understanding why school admins are allowed to be condescending & abusive, & why employers think it is ok to not stand up for the teachers they send there. Those teachers are just f…..g meat, used cars in the education system. Hey, PTSD from EDU! How are you today?!?!”
My make up clearly went to hell as hot tears burned my eyes. The pain in my heart was intense. I had never been so obnoxious on in a tweet in my life. I had to cancel everything, all of the training and classes I had prepared to sit through someone else's whatever they call it. As the day progressed, I realized those admins have no idea who I am, except for the lies they have been told. The leadership sending me there have been grossly misled. The trauma from this job has been real. All I want to do is provide my teachers with PD. That is my job. I take care of my teachers’ needs, they take care of our students.
But, there is a wrinkle in the chain of command. Me. I make people look bad. I work too hard. I am too educated. I am a geek. I am a nerd. I know things our bosses don’t know about. I continue training and classes without company approval. I am that woman. I am threatening. And, I apologize.
I used to apologize. Then I realized up. It is sort of like growing up, but different. Once shamed for being the geek, troublemaker, can't keep my mouth shut woman, I am no longer ashamed of being a well-educated woman. I desire a world where our children are safe and free to grow. I point out sexism, racism, and I expect us to learn, set examples for our children, and to realize up every day. I will never stop learning. I don’t tell my boss or my teammates anymore what certificates I have earned. Those are not a cause for their celebration, they are a cause for more name-calling and condescension at work. I celebrate with my PLN, with my friends, and sometimes on LinkedIn or other social media with the folks who love and support me.
To the admin, I cursed this morning. I am sorry I cursed in that tweet. I wish you knew me. To the company that sends us out to those admins, I am sorry. Please allow me a space to work in peace. Realize up, learn from all that happened, grant grace all around, and let there be humility and humanity where there is currently little.
For me, the situation brought me to a real nervous breakdown and granted me a real workplace diagnosis well over a year ago. It has continued to escalate. I am proud of myself for being strong even though that tweet was clearly a moment of complete weakness, anger, and a cry for help. Tonight I realized up, I spoke up, stood up for myself, and found and shared my hope for peace within.
It’s been another tough week. I miss my teachers. I look forward to one day working in peace for the evolution of education. I will continue my work through all of this for the freedom of each and every child to learn.