Women Have Wings
Updated: Sep 30
The pain of the past gets in the way of pursuing God’s will as I view myself in light of others. When I forget the words of Psalm 56, I allow other humans to trample me useless. Even when I wished for death and tempted death, God, delivered my soul from death, and my feet from falling and I walk before God in the light of life (Psalm, 56:13). Amen.
The past haunts and torments my dreams and my days, more so currently. This course has been timely and life-saving. It has given me time to remember and reflect. It has given me time to mourn my broken and burnt wings. A month ago I was not enough.
How do I welcome each & every voice and talent around me as God-given and wonderful, yet mute my own voice, music, and gifts because I am not enough?
How do I welcome lessons through “teach me” areas in my classroom yet view my own lessons to share as a life long learner, woman, mother, and teacher as not worthy because I am not enough?
How do I accept every curve and edge of each and every woman and man as beautiful and loved by God, yet hide and hate my own curves? Because I was not enough.
How do I freely tell others to live their best lives as they choose to live, to create and find their magic, and yet, I work hard with so little happiness for others? My creations are not enough.
How do I tell someone else it is not their business what others think of them and yet I hide, wrought with anxiety and depression that I have allowed others to create in me? When did I become not enough?
How is it I convince so many others that they are beautiful, they are loved, they are enough, and yet, I am not enough and I do not believe it when I am told?
I am a mother, sister, daughter, aunt, teacher, advocate, doctoral candidate, researcher, reader, musician, crafter, pet lover, and 2E woman. I do know I am enough. I can give you a million reasons why I have failed at each of these because it has been loudly beaten into me that I am at the wrong table, or on the wrong seat on the bus, or just, not enough. I have allowed others' opinions and misguided or inappropriate behaviors to push me into the land of I am not enough. I have allowed the voices of other humans to be louder than the voice of God who made me enough. I have been treated like I am invisible, “a painful way to live” (Rock, 170). Pastor Mandy Smith’s Story of the Legged and the Winged was poignant and for me to hear it this morning, so timely. God has given me glorious wings! Time and time again they have been clipped and plucked as if it were a human’s right to hold me down. Rock wrote, “there’s something to be said for the courage to walk through the fire rather than walk around it” (161). Time and again I have walked in the fire. Time and time again, the fire roared and burnt my wings. Perhaps I need to fly over the fire and beat it down with my wings, but how?
Recently, The Lord is My Light (from Psalm 27), music by Frances Allitsen, has been the earworm on repeat in my head, while On Eagle’s Wings and rotates through.
The Lord is My Light based Psalm 27:1
The LORD is my light and my salvation-- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life-- of whom shall I be afraid? When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall.
On Eagle’s Wings based on Psalm 91)
And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.
The snare of the fowler will never capture you,
And famine will bring you no fear;
Under His Wings your refuge,
His faithfulness your shield.
She is Strong and Graceful, as well as cheerful about the Future. Proverbs 31: 25 (CEV)
Recently, I have not been cheerful about the future. That may return in time. For most of 2019 and 2020, I thought my wings were gone forever. Trauma so deep my heart was gone, my light nearly extinguished. But, for now, my wings, tightly enfolded, are at least there. They are not full of beautiful feathers ready for flight, but firmly, my wings are there and they are healing. They once again envelop me as the flame within finds the strength to flicker. One day they will stretch out and perhaps I will again fly. For today, I curl up in the palm of HIS hand and let the Lord indeed be my Light and my salvation.
Shalom, My Friends.